Fake Stories (2019)

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August

Austin

Austin
Austinskylinegraphic.jpg

Flight attendants please prepare the cabin for landing.

X looked at his watch.

"How are we in Phoenix already?" X bellowed.

X's wife looked over at him and said "We're not dear, we're stopping in Austin."

"What?"

"Your little friend, J, called and asked we spend a few hours in Austin. So I called the airline."

"Damn you woman! AA doesn't have nonstops between MCO and AUS, what voodoo is this?"

"We're on WN dear."

They deplaned. No one ever decars or debuses or debicycles, but they deplaned, headed to the Alamo counter, and drove to Güero's Taco Bar located at 1412 S. Congress Ave. Austin, Tx. 78704. Austin has funky on-street parking requiring drivers to back-in at an angle.

"Backing in at angle. This is what gays do in San Francisco."

"It's safer for bicyclists and pedestrians, dear."

"I don't care about them. Unless I'm walking or on a bicycle, and only then do I care." X and his wife got out of the car and he bellowed "Are we a mile from the freakin' sun?"

"It's global warming dear. And it's 20 degrees cooler here than Phoenix."

"It's not global warming, it's summer! Now how far of a walk is to this place?"

"Six blocks, dear."

"I'm going to kill J!"

We were halfway there when a hipster in skinny jeans and an ironic beard approached X.

"Dude, are you here for the antifa march?"

"What? Are you talking to me?" bellowed X. "I'm not antifa, I'm, uh, fa."

"What, dude?"

"I'm anti-antifa! Now get out of my way, I'm hot!"

"So you're a fascist?"

"No, you're a fascist!"

"Dude, I'm antifa, which by definition is anti-fascist! You're a fascist. Your people kill my people!"

"Your people kill my people!" bellowed X.

"We've killed no one! You're violent!"

"No, you're violent!"

"Dear, can you stop arguing and let's eat?"

"But he started it!" bellowed X.

"No, you started it!" bellowed back the hipster.

"X, just be the better man and walk away."

"But then he'll get the last word!

"Who cares?"

"Then antifa scores another point!"

X's wife rolled her eyes and walked into the taco joint.

"What's the umlauts on the 'u'?" bellowed X as he walked in.

"It makes it more fascist looking!" bellowed the hipster as the door slowly closed.

Gran Torino

Gran Torino
Gran-torino-poster.jpg

X and his wife left the antifa hipster behind and entered Güero's Taco Bar. X immediately saw G.

"Hey, G, what are you doing in Austin? Gettin' lots of tail?" he said with a smirk. G didn't answer. "Hey, G, it's me, X. Are you okay?"

"Dear, maybe it's because J is holding him by his neck against the wall, a foot off the ground?"

"Oh, sorry J, I didn't see you."

Ignoring X, J said "I do not believe you, you lying sack of shit!"

G fumbled around with his iPhone, dropping it. G grunted, looked at X, and pointed to his phone.

"Dear, I think G wants his phone back."

G shook his head the best he could and pointed at J. X gave a confused look and handed the phone to J.

J looked at the phone, dropped G causing him to land in a wet splat on the concrete floor, and mumbled "Gran Torino did come out in 2008! How is this possible?" He dropped the phone in G's lap, smiled, and said "X, I have proper hosting now!"

X huffed and said "No you don't. You're using AWS. A true alpha geek would run a server in his own home."

"Like Hillary?"

"Don't make me hack you! Now I'm starving! Let's eat!" he bellowed.

G joined the three even though he wasn't invited. While rubbing his neck a manly, yet feminine woman, with a may I speak to the manager haircut approached the table and said "G! There you are! We have a serious, serious problem!"

"Oh, hi Patti! Everyone, this is my boss, Patti, Patti Dijkstra! I'd like to say you're looking very androgynous today, the look really works for you."

"Knock the crap off, G, or I'll call your wife. Again. I've already called her once about you today. We've been hacked!"

"Hacked?'

"Yes, our credit union has been hacked! What are you going to do about it?"

G rubbed his neck again, blew air through his lips, and said "Uh, block chain?"